The Playwright Drowning
A One-Act Murder Mystery Farce
by SAL G.

Copyright ®2000 Sal G.

Mrs. Mildred O'Leighy: A stately, educated, woman 40-50 years old and a professional pain. She could drive a cactus to drink.

Miss Christine Kraft: A young, attractive housekeeper, not full of mind. She thinks castanets are something people do in small fishing villages.

Tom Hunch: Private Investigator and professional body guard. Street-wise and loud spoken. He was in charge of protecting Nicole Simpson from O.J.

Malcolm Mortise: Police Detective, Homicide Squad; conservative and cool. A manly man, a man's man and, man, what a lady's man.

Ollie O'Leighy: Brother of the deceased and rumored to have a slight amount of brain damage.

Props: Badge, martini glass, telephone, locket, handkerchief, glass of ice water, two blank guns, an apron with a hole

MISS KRAFT. (ENTERS SCREAMING) Oh my God! He's dead! He's dead!

MILDRED. Now, now Chris. Who's dead?

MISS KRAFT. Your husband! In the bathroom! He killed himself. Oh, my God!

MILDRED. Call the police! I'd better have a look. (SHE EXITS)

MISS KRAFT. (INTO TELEPHONE) Hello, police?...Hi. Fine, thanks. And you? Help! He's dead! Oh my God!...Mr. O'Leighy. The playwright. He's in the bathtub. Send someone quick. Oh my God! ...72 Palace Boulevard...Chris Kraft. I'm the housekeeper. Please hurry....Thanks. You have a nice day too.

MILDRED. (ENTERS) Oh no! He finally did it. I had no idea he would take it this hard. Come here Chris. I need to lean on someone. Did you call the police?

MISS KRAFT. Yes Mum. I'm so sorry. Why did he do it? He seemed so happy. Now I'm so sad.

MILDRED. Yes I'm sad too. But we must keep our heads at a time like this.

MISS KRAFT. Why? What time is it?

MILDRED: Not a very pleasant time, I can assure you.

MISS KRAFT: Oh Mum, I want to be happy, but I can't be happy unless I make you happy too.

TOM. (ENTERS) All right, ladies, what's this all about?

MILDRED. Are you the police?

TOM. I'm Tom Hunch, P.I.

MILDRED. Yes you may, but my husband is in the bathroom right now and I'm afraid that...

TOM. No, P.I.! Private Investigator!

MISS KRAFT. Oh, thank God you're here! Mr. O'Leighy is in the bathroom. His head in in the tub. I think he drowned himself.

TOM. I'd better have a look. Don't touch anything until the police get here. (HE EXITS)

MILDRED. Fix your hair Chris. Your bun is coming undone.

MISS KRAFT. But he said not to touch anything.

MALCOLM. (ENTERS) Who's Chris Kraft?

MISS KRAFT. Me, sir. I am she, sir. Yes sir?

MALCOLM. (SHOWS BADGE) Captain Malcolm Mortise. Detective for the city police. Did you call me about a dead body over the phone?

MISS KRAFT. Yes sir. That was me sir. Why sir?

MALCOLM. Where is it?

MISS KRAFT: On the desk over there.

MALCOME: Not the phone. The body.

MILDRED. My husband is in the bathroom. Over there.

TOM. (ENTERS) He's dead all right. Did you know you got a leak in the sink?

MILDRED. That's disgusting. Can't you use the toilet?

MALCOLM. Who are you?

TOM. Tom Hunch, P.I.

MALCOLM. Why are you here?

TOM. I heard the call on my police scanner. I was hired by Lee O'Leighy about a month ago. He suspected someone was trying to kill him.

MISS KRAFT. Oh my God!

MALCOLM. What did he say?

TOM. He said, "Someone is trying to kill me."

MALCOLM. No, I mean why did he think that?

TOM. On his way to his office one morning, a brick nearly hit him on the head. Then about a week later, he nearly choked on a bone in his sandwich.

MALCOLM. Coincidence, probably.

TOM. It was a peanut butter sandwich.

MALCOLM. Did he say who might want to kill him?

TOM. He had no idea. That's why he hired me.

MALCOLM. So, what did you find out?

TOM. He led a pretty clean life. Graduated soma cum loudly from Yale. Wrote a dozen or so successful plays, Married Mildred Bocknockendorfer. No children, except...

MALCOLM. Except what?

TOM. He had an affair with a Swedish actress in London before he got married. A Sally Stoodentookit. She had a baby, but we're not sure if it was his or what happen to it, or the actress.

MILDRED. What? When did this happen?

TOM. About two years before he met you.

MILDRED. Are you sure about this?

TOM. As sure as my name is Tom Hunch.

MALCOLM. Tom Hunch. That name sounds familiar. Did we meet before?

TOM. Don't think so. But I used to be an actor.

MALCOLM. An actor turned detective? That's unusual.

TOM. Not really. Most of the detectives on TV are actors.

MISS KRAFT. I didn't know that.

MALCOLM. Were you ever in one of O'Leighy's plays?

TOM. Once. I was in a play he wrote called, "The Warden Wore Tutus." At the opening they had ballet parking. I played a drill press operator. It was a bit part.

MALCOLM. Did you meet Lee O'Leighy when you were in his play?

TOM. Not formally. I ran into him at the reception. I'll never forget it. He put his arm around my neck and whispered, "Get away from me." I was so shaken, I quit show business and took a job at a window shade company. I was pulling down 500 a week. But it was boring work so I went to Ireland and took a job as a sheep herder.

MALCOLM. How was that job?

TOM. Not baaaad. I became so good at finding lost sheep, I decided to start my own private detective agency. The Little Go Peek Private Investigations Agency.

MALCOLM. I see. How about you Miss Kraft? How did you get along with Mr. O'Leighy?

MISS KRAFT. Oh, fine. He was very nice. He liked everything on schedule. He'd walk in the door at 5:15. I'd have his martini waiting for him and I would draw his bath. After that, at exactly 6:30, he would have dinner with Mrs. O'Leighy in the dining room. Then we'd all go to bed.

MALCOLM. Did he ever make any advances towards you?

MISS KRAFT. Mr. O'Leighy? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

MALCOLM. I guess that's a "no."

MILDRED. Control yourself my dear. This is not a laughing matter.

TOM. You can say that again.

MILDRED. This is not a laughing matter.

TOM. That was a figure of speech.

MISS KRAFT. What was?

TOM. "You can say that again."

MISS KRAFT. What was?

MALCOLM. Okay, cut that out. I'll ask the questions. Now then, Miss Kraft, what's your point of origin?

MISS KRAFT. Portland, Origin.

MALCOLM. Were you born there?

MISS KRAFT. No, I was adopted. My parents were born there. My father was a door-to-door salesman for hearing aids. But the people who needed them never heard the doorbell. I worked in a gas station charging batteries and changing fog filters. We were so poor that I came to New York to find a better job. I saw an ad in the newspaper for a housekeeper. All I had to my name was a cloth coat. Thank God Mrs. O'Leighy hired me. I've been here ever since.

MALCOLM. How long?

MISS KRAFT. It came down to my knees.

MALCOLM. Not the coat! How long ago did she hire you?

MISS KRAFT. I was put in charge of the kitchen and the laundry room about 12 months ago. No, it was about a year ago.

MALCOLM. That's the same thing.

MISS KRAFT. No they're not. The kitchen has pots in it.

TOM. I hate to interrupt you two, but I've been listening to your conversation.

MALCOLM. Yes Tom?

TOM. And I find it pretty dull.

MALCOLM. So, what can you add?

TOM. Two and two for one thing. Look, Lee either killed himself or he committed suicide. If it was murder, there had to be a motive. Since O'Leighy is worth millions, the motive must be money.

MALCOLM. Or perhaps, revenge? You are a suspect too, Mr. Hunch. And Miss Kraft is a suspect because she was the last person to see Lee O'Leighy alive.

MILDRED. Of all the low down, despicable, degenerating, down right contemptuous concoctions.

OLLIE. (ENTERS) You talking about me again Mildred?

MALCOLM. Who are you?

OLLIE. Ollie O'Leighy.

MALCOLM. Ollie O'Leighy who?

MILDRED. He's my husband's brother. A professional yodeler.

MALCOLM. Okay, let's get down to it. Tom, check the bathroom for clues. (TOM EXITS) I want to talk to you Ollie and you Mildred. Miss Kraft, would you mind getting me a glass of water with a little ice in it?

MISS KRAFT. I only have ice for you, Captain. (SHE EXITS)

MALCOLM. Mrs. O'Leighy. Tell me what your husband was working on before today.

MILDRED. He just completed a musical version of "The Miracle Worker" called "Hello Helen." It was to be the first musical without lyrics or music.

MALCOLM. Without music?

MILDRED. Yes. Helen Keller was deaf and dumb.

MISS KRAFT. (ENTERS WITH GLASS OF WATER) I don't know why they spell dumb D-U-M-B. That's not fair to dumb people is it?

MILDRED. He was working on the original cast album for "Hello Helen" when...

MALCOLM. But you said there was no music.

MILDRED. You don't play the record album. You heat it and it turns into an ashtray.

MALCOLM. Very clever. But I though I'd read that your husband lost ten million dollars.

MILDRED. He did. He bought a lottery ticket and didn't win.

TOM. (ENTERS) Got something here Captain.

MALCOLM. What did you find?

TOM. I found this lock pick on the floor near an electric outlet.

OLLIE. Shocking!

MISS KRAFT. I used that lock pick to open the door when Mr. O'Leighy didn't answer.

TOM. I also found this locket under the sink. It has a picture of what looks like a South American Macaw bird in it.

MILDRED. Lee was extremely fond of that parrot. After it died he carried that picture of it everywhere.

TOM. And I found a brown sock on the carpet near the corpse and a carrot in his breast pocket.

MILDRED. He was a vegetarian.

MALCOLM. I think I can clear this up. We have a lock pick near the socket, a sock on the carpet, a locket with a parrot and a carrot in a jacket.

MISS KRAFT. That's easy for you to say.

TOM. And I found this martini glass.

MALCOLM. Any martini left in it?

TOM. No. It's dry.

MALCOLM. Have the lab check it for prints.

MISS KRAFT. Prince who?

MALCOLM. Finger prints! I'm going to have to ask you all to come down to the station.

OLLIE. Why? Are we taking a trip?

MALCOLM. Not the train station. The police station. We need to finger print everyone.

OLLIE. Oh, goody. I haven't finger painted in years.

MALCOLM. Finger print! Finger print! Am I having trouble talking or is everyone hard of hearing?

MISS KRAFT. What did you say?

OLLIE. Beg your pardon?

MILDRED. Say again?

TOM. Excuse me?

MILDRED. This is preposterous. Unpalatably unpointed and possibly pagnaminous persecution, punishable past permissible penal pendants and precariously presumptuous.

TOM. Pardon. Would you mind repeating that?

MILDRED. Yes I would!

MALCOLM. Whoa! Back the ice cream truck up a few blocks. We ain't leaving until one of you tells me why someone would want to harm Mr. O'Leighy. As far as I'm concerned it could be his wife...his brother...his employee or his disgruntled ex- employee. Let's start with you, Mr. O'Leighy.

OLLIE. Just call me Ollie...O'Leighy.

TOM. He's clean Captain. I checked him out.

MALCOLM. Off the police blotter?

TOM. No. The 7-11. I part-time as a clerk.

MALCOLM. You do not seem remorseful, Mr. O'Leighy.

OLLIE. I ate before I came here.

MILDRED. The man is a nut.

MISS KRAFT. Mrs. O'Leighy, he's your husband's brother.

MILDRED. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

MALCOLM. Did you like your brother Ollie?

OLLIE. Nope.

MALCOLM. Why didn't you like him?

OLLIE. He wouldn't let me be in any of his shows.

MILDRED. You can't just stick a yodeler in the middle of a Broadway show and live to tell about it.

MALCOLM. May I ask, Ollie, why your sleeves are wet?

OLLIE. From reaching for change in a fountain on the way over here.

MILDRED. How low can you get?

OLLIE. Low enough to reach the bottom of the fountain.

TOM. Why don't you ask him if he killed his brother?

MALCOLM. I'll handle this investigation. Did you kill your brother?

OLLIE. Nope.

MILDRED. Of course he's going to say no. He may be a complete idiot, but he's not stupid.

MALCOLM. Miss Kraft. Have you ever seen the O'legs, er, the O'Leighy's quarrel?

MISS KRAFT. Only once. She threatened to divorce him and take all his money and he threatened to kill her, but it was nothing serious.

OLLIE. Well, I guess that lets Mildred off the hook.

TOM. Not so fast Ollie...O'Leighy. If someone drowned your brother, he or she would have to be pretty strong to hold down a man as big as Lee. Based on the position of the locket, there must have been a struggle. Miss Kraft is too small. Mrs. O'Leighy is too weak and you're just right.

MILDRED. Are you insinuating Goldilocks killed my husband?

TOM. Not at all. I was just merely stating the facts.

MILDRED. Excuses, excuses.

TOM. You want excuses? Just read my report. It's full of excuses.

MISS KRAFT. If someone drowned Mr. O'Leighy, how did they get in the bathroom? The door was locked when I found him.

MALCOLM. Easy. They locked it on the way out.

MISS KRAFT. Oh. Never mind.

MALCOLM. Let's get back to Ollie.

MILDRED. Let's not.

MALCOLM. Why is it Ollie, you chose today to visit your brother?

OLLIE. I came over to borrow a cup of money. I saw some kids out front stealing a radio out of a police car and...

MALCOLM. That's my car! Damn. It's supposed to have an alarm.

OLLIE. They took that too.

MILDRED. Well, where there's a will there's an anxious relative.

TOM. Hey Ollie, are you in your brother's will?

MILDRED. Of course he is. Lee took care of all his family members.

MALCOLM. All his family members? Who else survives him?

MILDRED. He has an aunt Mame. She's about 80. Lives in Oklahoma on a showboat and she operates a carousel at the state fair. And Ollie here, plus one nephew...maybe.

TOM. Maybe?

OLLIE. My son. He ran away from home when he was four. He should now be about your age Captain.

MALCOLM. Let's get back to Miss Craft.

MISS KRAFT. Oh, please call me Chris, Mr. Mortise.

MALCOLM. Oh, please call me Malkie.

TOM. Malkie?

MALCOLM. How did you get that hole in your apron?

MISS KRAFT. Oh, I spilled some Mr. Clean and it ate a hole in it.

MILDRED. I don't see what any of this has to do with my husband's drowning.

MALCOLM. Sometimes, Mrs. O'Leighy, the most insignificant fact can shed the most light on a case. We need to examine the inside of everyone's head to find discrepancies or clues that can lead to the murderer.

MILDRED. You can examine the inside of Ollie's head all you want. You won't find anything.

MALCOLM. Ollie, when did you see your brother last?

OLLIE. About a month ago. I came over to borrow some money and he said, "Wells, why don't you get a real job, like milking chickens."

MALCOLM. But your name is Ollie.

OLLIE. Yes but I sometimes go by the name, "Wells Fargo." It's my stage name.

MALCOLM. I see. Do you call yourself any other names?

MILDRED. I can think of a few. Like idiot, jerk, blockhead, boor, clod, creep, cretin, dim wit, dolt, dope, dullard, dumbbell, dunce, flake, fool, goof, imbecile, nerd, nincompoop, numskull, oaf, pain, schlemiel, simpleton, stooge and turkey.

OLLIE. A rose by any other name...

MILDRED. Would still be a thorn in my side. You pansy!

MALCOLM. Please Mrs. O'Leighy. Let's stick to the issues. Tell me what you did just before your husband died.

MILDRED. I was going to go shopping but the car wouldn't start. So I stayed home and helped Chris with the housework.

TOM. So, you both were home at the time Mr. O'Leighy came home?

MILDRED. Well, yes and no.

MALCOLM. Were you both home or not? Make up your mind.

TOM. I'm going to write a book on decision making. Then again, maybe I won't.

MILDRED. Chris was here. I stepped out to chat with my neighbor, Ophelia Ball.

MALCOLM. I think I'd like to meet her. Chris did you hear anything unusual after Lee stepped into the bathroom?

MISS KRAFT. No. I was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Broiled stuffed bass.

TOM. Did you plan a fish dinner on porpoise?

MISS KRAFT. Whale, there wasn't a sole around, so I made it for the halibut.

MALCOLM. Mrs. O'Leighy, where was Chris when you came back home?

MILDRED. I flounder in the kitchen. I was just bassin' through.

TOM. It all sounds pretty fishy if you ask me.

MALCOLM. OK, let's summarize what we've got so far. Mrs. O'Leighy you threatened to divorce your husband and take all his money. But, you claim you were not home at the time of his death.

MILDRED. Captain Mortise, do I have the face of a murderer?

OLLIE. Are you kidding? That face could turn a funeral procession down an ally. Did you know she went to a plastic surgeon and he suggested adding a tail?

MALCOLM. And Ollie, you're broke and stand to inherit part of your brother's fortune. You could have killed him and slipped out the door before your sister-in-law returned.

OLLIE. I hated my brother, but I also loved him.

MILDRED. See. He says something one day and out the other. The man is without a brain.

OLLIE. If a person is smart, he doesn't need a brain. (Sticks tongue out at Mildred)

MALCOLM. And Tom Hunch, you show up minutes after the murder and may still hold a grudge. You know what they say, the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.

TOM. That's right. And that's just what you did, Captain Malcolm O'Leighy!

MALCOLM. What?

TOM. New York, New York. It's a wonderful town. The jig is up and the Battery's down. I say you are Ollie's long lost son. You killed Lee O'Leighy because, as his nephew, you would cash-in on the playwright's wealth. You even covered this case to make sure no one would catch on.

MALCOLM. You have any shred of proof of this outrageous claim?

TOM. You look like Ollie, you're the same age as his son and you have the same bad habit.

MALCOLM. What habit?

TOM. Chewing on your tie.

OLLIE. Son?

MALCOLM. Daddy?

MILDRED. Sorry Tom. I don't buy your hunch. My husband took his own life. He wanted to teach me lesson, so he took a dirt nap.

OLLIE. I disagree. I believe the murderer is over there. Miss Kraft.

MISS KRAFT. Malkie, are these the legs of a murderer?

MALCOLM. How do you figure that Ollie? Chris was in the kitchen stuffing a bass.

OLLIE. After she poured my brother a lethal martini made with hydrochloric acid. That's probably what caused the hole in her apron. Mr. Clean wouldn't eat ladies garments.

MILDRED: That does it! Chris leave this house and never darken my towels again!

MISS KRAFT. (PULLS REVOLVER FROM APRON) He's pretty clever for a jerk. Sorry you won't live to tell anyone, Ollie. It's too bad you caught Tom over here killing everybody. I'll make sure it looks like he shot you, Mrs. O'Leighy and Malkie before Malkie shot him.

TOM. Wait, before you shoot, why did you do it?

MISS KRAFT. Lee was my dead-beat father. He left my real mother and me without a dime. She died broken hearted and penniless. I drained the car's battery. Lee drank the martini I made with the battery acid and when his throat started burning he stuck his head in the tub. He must have died there. Ooh! If only he'd choked on that sandwich.

MILDRED. What a horrendous, horrific, homicidal, hastily hignatious, heinous, hostile hatred.

MISS KRAFT. Can it mighty mouth. Show's over.

TOM.(TO MISS KRAFT) Will you shoot her already!

MALCOLM. No, you take a bow Miss Kraft. (HE SHOOTS HER)